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| Not long enough ago, not far enough away. |
Directed by: Steve Binder
Produced by: Gary Smith, Dwight Hemion (executive), Joe Layton, Jeff Starsh, Ken Welch, Mitzie Welch
Written by: Pat Proft, Leonard Ripps, Bruce Vilanch, Rod Warren, Mitzie Welch
Budget: ~$1,000,000
Starring: Harrison Ford, Peter Mayhew, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Art Carney, Kenny Baker, Bea Arthur, Don Francks, Harvey Korman, James Earl Jones
When the Wookiee holiday Life Day is threatened by the Empire, it's up to our heroes to help the walking carpets get their holiday on. Along the way there's countless celebrity cameos, yawn-inducing variety television skits, and the distinct feeling that your brain is slowly seeping out your ears.
The Star Wars Holiday Special has a legendary reputation as one of the worst things ever put to film, both as a Star Wars tie-in and as a production itself. After the release and success of A New Hope CBS pitched the idea of a television special to George Lucas, and everything else is history. Though Lucas wasn't actually involved in this, he is responsible for the story and narrative, so he is most definitely not blameless.
The movie begins with Han and Chewbacca escaping the Empire in a short sequence, followed by roughly fifteen minutes of nothing but Wookiee shrieks and roars. The story swaps between the actual Star Wars stuff, Wookiee yuppie shenanigans, and the endless barrage of awful variety show performances and shorts from a variety of 70s icons and stars who no doubt took their regret with them to the grave.
The very fact that this was created demonstrates the staying power of the Star Wars franchise, because if something like this had been released after, say, the Fellowship of the Ring, then I can't imagine Jackson would have had the perseverance to continue the series at all.
The So Mediocre It's Tolerable
The animated sequence that serves as Boba Fett's introduction to the Star Wars universe at least has Boba Fett atop a dinosaur, so there's that. Again, I can't help but wonder how a character introduced in such a way made any positive impact on the fan base, especially considering the original portrayal of Fett in episodes 5 and 6 show him as nothing more than incompetent or lucky. Fett is easily the coolest part of this, so much so that he feels incredibly out of place.
Jefferson Starship's performance of "Light the Sky on Fire" is okay, I guess. Bea Arthur shows up as a bartender at a Tatooine cantina and sings a song about having one more round before the Empire comes and murders everyone. Her performance almost sells the idea that she owns a drinking establishment while under the thumb of an oppressive government, and I would have far preferred the special follow her character.
The So Bad It's Horrible
There's pretty much nothing here worth watching, even as a bad movie. This is firmly one of those movies where "bad" means "not entertaining."
No one here is putting any effort into their performances. Hamill is all wide-eyed with some truly terrible makeup to cover his car accident scars, Ford has obviously decided that this could potentially end his film career, and Fisher looks like she's deep in her drug problems. Art Carney tries to be a fast-talking charmer, but he looks like he knows he's above whatever science fiction goofery he's acting in.
The variety shows are consistently awful, boring, nonsensical, and anything in between. The early cooking segment with Harvey Korman in...alien drag (maybe?) had me sitting in slack-jawed amazement and inspired a similar reaction as a robot of some sort that kept glitching out. Jefferson Starship shows up about halfway through to sing on a bad soundstage, and...I can't really remember any of the others. They appear on screen without much fanfare and vanish without leaving any impression except a slight sense that you've just been witness to something that should not be.
Not only are the variety shows badly done, but the ideas behind them don't make any sense within the Star Wars galaxy. There's very little reverence towards the series, and ultimately it makes the entire thing come across as a cheap tie-in to capitalize on the success of A New Hope. None of them feel like they belong in a Star Wars movie at all.
Though the animated sequence feels most like an actual Star Wars story, the animation is actually terrible. Not only is it the worst of late-70s animation, the actual character designs make everyone look like they have a mild case of elephantiasis. Han Solo in particular looks like someone painted a human face on a leather bag and draped it over a skull several sizes too small.
The So Weird It's Awful
Art Carney shows up a bunch as a trader who serves to at least partially tie the various stories together by delivering gifts to various characters. At one point he gives Itchy a hologram that feels disturbingly like a porno. Essentially, Diahann Carroll shows up, tells Itchy that she's his fantasy program, and sings a forgettable song while wearing a wig made out of a mop head.
This special and everything in it is officially considered C-Canon within the Star Wars Continuity, meaning that everything happened unless it's specifically contradicted by one of the TV series or movies. I'm pretty sure that, even with the new canon brought in by The Force Awakens, everything portrayed here still happened.
It feels like parts of this were directed by people who don't know basic film principles. At certain points the shots break the 180 degree rule, with characters looking in wildly different directions than the blocking would indicate. The actors go about their scenes with all the enthusiasm of extras earning a bad paycheck.
There are a number of musical numbers throughout, and I'm pretty sure each of them is set to one of the musical pieces from the series. Bea Arthur sings a song to the tune of the Cantina song, Fisher sings one to the Star Wars theme, and I think there are a few others I missed. It was honestly difficult at times to pay attention, simply due to how non-entertaining the entire thing was. It's hard to explain how strange it is hearing lyrics put to these iconic pieces of music, and it feels wrong while watching, like...you are watching something that should not be. It's difficult to find another way to state that emotion, but it's the best way I've found: this entire thing feels like something that should never have been created, and probably would have been better forgotten.
Life Day apparently involves using wookiee totems to transport yourself to the center of a star, where you wear red robes and stand on a foggy stage to do nothing but roar at each other while Carrie Fisher fails to hit her high notes.
Should You Watch It?
No. If you feel so inclined look up the animated sequence and watch that, but really, it's not worth the almost two hours it takes to watch the entire thing.
The Holiday Special is exactly as bad as everyone says it is.
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