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| I feel like I've seen this poster before. |
Directed by: Uwe Boll
Produced by: Dan Clarke, Chawn Williamson
Written by: Michael C. Nachoff
Budget: $4,500,000
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Natassia Malthe, Lochlyn Munro
In 2011 Dolph Lundgren was going through a divorce and needed some quick cash.
Uwe Boll is a German director and producer known for using German tax laws to finance his consistently underperforming films. He is known primarily for adapting video games to the big screen. His highest rated film on Rotten Tomatoes is "Assault on Wall Street" at 25%, and his lowest is "Alone in the Dark" with 1%. This film doesn't actually have a Tomatometer ranking. It's been interesting following Boll's career, from the times he boxed his critics to the time a petition asking him to retire went around the internet. It actually received 535,835 signatures before it was shut down.
But this isn't about Uwe Boll.
When ex Special Forces soldier Granger gets yanked through time to the ruined Kingdom of Ehb, he finds himself proclaimed the Chosen One by a prophecy decreeing him free the kingdom from the Dark Ones led by the Holy Mother. As his quest progresses, Granger learns that things may not be as they seem.
The Good
Throughout the movie I thought the poster was lying about the dragon. I didn't think there was any way this movie would actually show anything like that, and I was half right. To my supreme surprise, there was indeed a dragon in the movie, and its implementation was...actually not bad. The CGI for the dragon was...adequate, though the design reminded me of a bird, and not in a good way. One thing that impressed me was the apparent use of a flame-thrower to simulate the dragon's point of view. I can appreciate the effort for that.
Underneath all the crap (not gonna bother hiding it, this movie isn't good) there's the hints of something that could have been a fun lampshade of the sent-back-in-time story. Certain scenes at least have underlying ideas which, had it been directed by someone with ability, would have worked. The fight choreography is similar, with certain segments where it's quite passable.
The movie was filmed in British Columbia, so the landscape is actually really pretty. The establishing shots are the best directed scenes in this movie.
Hey, at least it's not In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission.
The Bad
Someone should have let the screenwriter that we were over cliche medieval dialogue, even in 2011. The names for everything are capitalized phrases: Chosen One, Dark Ones, Time Beyond. There is a single use of the word "Thy," which is one above Boll's allowable uses. Characters from the same place speak in different accents and even vernacular. The doctor in particular has some lines which feel wildly out of place. Ultimately it feels like a cheap attempt to get the setting across.
This is made worse by the actors either putting their all into the terrible script or delivering their lines in exaggerated, goofy ways. Lundgren knows exactly why he's there and doesn't expend any more effort than is strictly necessary for any particular. Lochlyn Munro looks like he's just a second away from twirling his invisible mustache. Aleks Paunovic delivers an adequate (there's that word again) battle speech and death scene, but it's ruined when he quite obviously throws his arms out to catch himself when he falls.
Natalia Guslistaya and Natassia Malthe both seem to be actively fighting the goofiness of the script and deliver their lines with all the sincerity they can muster. Malthe in particular seems like she's trying to make the script better through her delivery, but there are limits. The seer seems like she's trying to channel a Raimi possession, but sounds like she's reciting from cue cards.
There were shades of the 80s and 90s in how this movie handled violence. There would be a sword chop or a spear thrust, then a cut to the person holding the weapon to the wound or falling to the ground. Combined with the shaky camera work the fight scenes, which actually have alright choreography, end up being boring.
It's actually fairly funny to listen to people keep referring to their "fort" as a "fortress." The setting, constructions, and most of the costumes look like cheap renaissance fair props. Most of the extras are wearing generic dark hoods and cloaks, and even the main characters have a single outfit each. Dolph Lundgren doesn't even get an "armor up" scene. Hell, the king's crown is obviously plastic.
Did that plot synopsis up top seem generic? That's because the story here is so contrived that they don't even set up the twist before twisting us. Turns out Granger is secretly the true king of Ehb, and the Holy Mother left him at that orphanage. What orphanage? I don't know, it's never mentioned before that scene. The only way this movie can even twist us properly is by never setting it up in the first place.
It also feels like they ran out of time while shooting (or potentially writing) the ending. Immediately after drowning Raven in his bathtub Granger sits down, has a drink, and laments the fact that he can never return to Ehb. That's when the movie ends, roughly thirty seconds after drowning the bad guy. There is a shot of the portal-bracelet glowing, then the credits roll.
This movie is a sequel to a video game adaptation which hardly used the source material. Just saying.
The Rest
I wonder how much of the budget went to the dragon. I'd be interested to figure out how its salary compared to the rest of the cast.
Should You Watch it?
Nope. There are some moments which are worth a chuckle, but let's be honest that's not high praise for a Boll movie.
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