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| This train is going to hit you! |
Directed by: Peter Mervis
Produced by: David Michael Latt, David Rimawi
Written by: Eric Forsberg
Budget: $1,000,000
Starring: Julia Ruiz, Giovanni Bejerano, Al Galvex
The Asylum is a joke studio which makes mockbusters loosely imitating recent high-budget releases in attempts to make a quick buck from confused audiences. "Sunday School Musical," "Transmorphers," and "Atlantic Rim" are just some of their obvious copies. Asylum films are often notable for their cheap feel, often independent of their admittedly low budgets, atrocious writing, and exceptionally sloppy editing directing.
When Alma (Ruiz) is placed under an ancient Mayan curse, her protector Brujo (Alby Castro) must get her to see a powerful shaman who lives in Los Angeles. They hop a train inhabited by a group of the dullest, worst-acted characters with uninteresting, unfinished subplots. As their journey starts, Alma starts spitting up snakes which get loose and threaten the other passengers. Eventually the curse progresses to the point where Alma turns into a giant snake and eats the train before another shaman's magic can banish her to a distant...nuclear tornado?
This movie doesn't make much sense. Even as a mockbuster it's such a confusing premise and change from the original Snakes on a Plane. While that movie wasn't great cinema by any stretch of the imagination, this movie just drags on and on over its 90 minute runtime.
The Good
The only thing that stands out in this movie is the occasional shot of snakes under someone's skin, or green snake vomit, or the body horror. At certain points there are actually some really good (if not goofy) practical-looking horror effects which actually reminded me of old-school B-horror movies. The problem is that they don't feel like they were intentionally made this way, and were just an attempt to be cheap because all of the CGI budget went to the awful ending.
Props to Julia Ruiz for actually putting snakes in her mouth. I wasn't expecting even that level of effort, but the movie surprised me there.
One good thing about the movie is that it ended after 90 minutes.
The Bad
One bad thing about the movie is that it's 90 minutes long.
Aside from the three good practical effects, the majority of this movie is so badly done that it firmly leaves the "so bad it's good" zone early on and plants itself squarely in the "so bad it's horrible" spot. This starts off with the very first shot, with the awful video quality and cheap-sounding microphone and audio recordings. Shots transition with halfway-fades, where an image will fade onto screen, fade out, and then we'll get a cut to that image after it faded.
Honestly, it's going to be difficult to say anything about this movie that fully encapsulates how bad of a time I had watching it. There's no chemistry between any of the actors, whether it be Alma and Brujo, the two drug-smuggling girls, or the thugs. Whether this is because of the performances or the writing is immaterial because neither are worth mentioning beyond their absence. At once point one of the smugglers is getting sexually assaulted by a federal agent of some sort, and it's uncomfortable...not because I like the characters but because watching people you dislike molest each other is far worse.
Alongside the absurd directing is the shoddy audio work. The ambient noise levels will change between shots taking place in the same abandoned train car (and the color temperatures too, but that's not my current point). Attempts at creating interesting camera angles are just disorienting, with mundane telephone conversations being shot in a weird upside-down bird's-eye view. Even when the camera doesn't get in its own way the action taking place on screen isn't worth paying attention.
Oh, there are fight scenes, but they only feel like they're put in because Snakes on a Plane had some fight scenes. There's a group of...bandits, or something, on the train, and Brujo has to regularly beat them up. The fight scene choreography reminds me of the movies I'd make in high school with my friends, without the self-awareness. At one point a man gets stabbed in the throat, calmly walks over the ladder leading to the ground below, and lowers himself onto it so Brujo can kick him off.
The last twenty minutes or so devolves into something resembling a bad trip which consists solely of the unnamed, undeveloped train car passengers getting bitten, choked, and otherwise killed by the escaped snakes. Each of these shots is complete with either an obviously fake animal or a completely disinterested animal draped over a screaming extra.
The Rest
The movie ends with Alma turning into a giant snake and eating the train. It feels like a turn out of nowhere, and apparently was added because a group of Japanese investors asked if there was a scene where a giant snake ate the train (after seeing the box art) and were disappointed that there wasn't one originally.
This feels like a movie the guys at Funny Or Die would parody in a 10 minute short. Get Dax Shepherd, Maggie Grace, Joshua Harto, and a few others and you've got some look-a-likes with actual skills.
Should You Watch It?
No. The Asylum doesn't deserve your money or attention.
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