Mediocre Movie Month 2016: Some Thoughts on "Fantastic Four" (2015)

"Insert Fant4stic joke here*

Fantastic Four (2015)

Directed by Josh Trank
Produced by Gregory Goodman, Simon Kinberg, Robert Kulzer, Hutch Parker, Matthew Vaughn
Written by Jeremy Slater, Simon Kinberg, Josh Trank

Starring Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Reg E. Cathy, Tim Blake Nelson

Budget: $120M

2015 was kind of a weird year for movies. Just the year before we had a slew of critically acclaimed films released, from The Spectacular Now to Whiplash to The Danish Girl, which were followed by hilariously awful movies like Jupiter Ascending and, of course, Fantastic Four.

A little bit of backstory on the catastrophe that is the adapted Fantastic Four universe...since the early 90s Fox has held onto the adaptation rights with an iron fist. Each time there's the risk that the rights would revert back to Marvel, the studio would pump out a half-hearted film to make sure they stayed in-house. When news broke that they were rebooting the series once more for 2015, response was understandably cool. This wasn't helped by the Internet Outrage Machine reacting to the casting of Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm, changes to the Victor Von Doom character (original plans were to have him be a 1337-haxxor named Victor Domashev), and numerous reports of drastic reshoots, drama on-set from director Trank, and several rumors that Trank would show up to set drunk after Fox execs essentially stonewalled him from production.

In fact, Trank went on a twitter rant around the time of the film's release (now deleted), stating that he'd had a fantastic version which would have received great reviews. Toby Kebbell, who played Doom, supported the statements, saying that Trank's original vision was much darker, and that we'll never see it.

Which is a real shame, because the thing which really ruins this movie is what might have been.

We start with a sequence in 2007 showing childhood Reed and Ben working on a Biomatter Shuttle to transport living matter through space. His asshole teacher makes completely unreasonable comments about his experiment before we cut forward to Teller and Bell showing it off at a science fair. Despite the fact that it obviously works the asshole teacher disqualifies them. But it's okay, because Freddy and Zoe from House of Cards show up to remind me how disappointing Season 2 was before we get into the real backstory of the F4.

Why don't you call me back, Kate? Is it the wig?

The evil government comes in to get the biomatter shuttle running because we've ruined Earth and need to start exploiting other places for resources. In a PSA warning against th e dangers of drunken teleportation, the F4 plus Doom go to the other world, show the same level of care as the idiots from Prometheus, and come back with crazy powers.

Skip to one year later, the evil government is selling the tech to the military, using the F4 as weapons, and have to hunt down Reed. Doom shows up, murders a whole bunch of people, a beam of light shoots into the sky, and there's a big dumb fight before the movie ends with a serious case of cinematic blue
balls.

The worst part about this movie is that I believe Josh Trank when he says he got screwed over. It's not really a secret that movie executives are the worst thing to happen to cinema since Michael Bay, and the marks of their grubby little hands are all over this movie. There's an interesting game you can play I like to call Spot the Reshoot, where you take a drink every time Kate Mara's wig turns into spaghetti.

And not a single "get your rocks off" joke to be seen.

As I've stated before, I'm totally in for a slow-paced origin story that treats the characters and powers like real-life people thrust into these situations. I'd absolutely be down for a Cronenbergian look at how the F4's powers mess with their bodies. Teller's reaction to his body stretching unnatural lengths is cool. It's presented in a manner that's actually pretty creepy. Bell does a fine job delivering his lines as someone who's woken up as a giant rock monster and gets used as a military weapon. Kebbell portrays Doom as a spoiled smart kid, and while he's given lines which are so bad they're not even worth a chuckle, he does his best.

Hell, I'm even almost okay with the portrayal of Doom's powers here. He's got this Scanners type of telekinesis where he pops people against walls with CGI blood spatters as he's calmly walking through the complex, and it's legitimately pretty cool. Of course, this is really the only cool area of the movie and should have been the end of the first act, or the second. Instead, we get a 90 minute origin story that ends before we get any sort of actual action. As I said the final fight scene is pretty weak, with a few exchanges and the worst use of the villain down-powering his attacks so the main characters won't get splattered against the ground in greasy smears.

This is a guy who can crack people's brains open like eggs, and all he does against Reed is throw him backwards. Weak.

It's one of those paper tanks that burns up completely on impact.

Now, while the effects might be better quality than the 2005 film, there's a lack of care evident throughout which made me laugh more than once. Check out this gif:

What the hell, Fox? This was released in theaters. That shot was used in the trailers. Someone was paid to go, "it's fine, no one will notice."

If I felt any one emotion during this movie, it was frustration.

The Mildly Entertaining
There's a better score here than you usually get in these Marvel movies. While it's not really anything special, it goes to highlight just how underutilized appropriate musical motifs are in the greater MCU. Give me unique themes for all of the characters, Marvel! Why can't I tell the difference between Thor's theme and Iron Man's?

The Outright Insulting
There are so many logical shortcuts in this movie. Why is the Baxter Institute crawling public school science fairs for the keys to interdimensional travel? How did four drunk engineers manage to sneak into the shuttle room and remotely teleport themselves? Why did Doom pick Reed up by the throat instead of vaporizing him when he's on his home turf? How often can we tell the same story over and over again before we riot and drag Fox executives from their beds at night? Am I taking this too seriously?

Not picture: the stakes.

How often do we have to watch a beam of light shoot into the sky, surrounded by a ring of debris, and highlighted by reverse-bass-booms?

Verdict:

Don't bother.