Mediocre Movie Month 2016: Some Thoughts on "Dragons of Camelot"

Watch out, Game of Thrones

Dragons of Camelot (2014)

Directed by Mark L. Lester
Produced by Mark L. Lester
Written by Erik Estenberg

Starring Mark Griffin, Alex Evans, James Nitti, Selina Giles, Sandra Darnell

Budget: $6M gold dragons in debt to Tywin Lannister

This'll be a short one because there's really not a whole lot to cover.

Camelot's in trouble. With King Arthur on his deathbed and Morgan Le Fay renting out some dragons, it's up to Sir Galahad to find his true father, Lancelot, so he can return and set things right. After Arthur dies and Merlin is imprisoned, we follow a band of LARPers around the woods as they get sent from spot to spot and occasionally swing mildly at the air.

They find Lancelot in a tavern, recite their lines, and save the day. It's all very heroic.

"Nyah! What a lovely day!"

Yeah, this is another one of those movies on Amazon produced with a shoestring budget, no-name cast (except for Sir Bors, played by professional wrestler Tom Latimer), and laughable effects. The dragons themselves move fine (usually CGI beasts move like really, really bad puppets) but look the part of a low-budget computer creature.

Magical effects on swords are done in an overlay, with Excalibur glowing green at certain points to signify its magicness. Morgan Le Fay's own spellcasting is represented by a red glow with requisite shaky camera work to hide the low quality. The sword fights feature plenty of cuts between hits so production could save money on red dye and corn syrup.

Not pictured: the actor standing completely still for
too long so they can "convincingly" remove his head.

The score is the usual faux-epic orchestra at appropriate points. The cast is your standard assortment of pretty people without any dirt on their faces, and despite Lancelot's script consisting primarily of "I need a drink" (delivered with increasing sincerity) it's not enough to make you like anyone. Other than Bors, who dies halfway through, no one stands out from the rest of the stubbly white guys. Giles as Morgan Le Fay delivers some measure of entertainment because I am certain she was drunk for most of her scenes (her accent consists of slurring her words together and grinning like a madwoman), but the hangover sets in fairly quickly as she grimaces into a solid-black palantir.

Obligatory "it's only a model" except it's bad CGI instead

Hell, the costuming is even your standard cheap fantasy stuff. The heroes all wear rough earth tones (it looks like Lancelot is even wearing jeans) and Le Fay's outfit is black leather, raven feathers, and a staff topped with the largest black plastic gemstone I have ever seen. Merlin shows up for a bit to wave a crystal around then spends most of his time in Camelot's dungeon.

The Eh?
Strangely enough the most motivation assigned to a character is to Le Fay, who imprisons Guinevere after she usurps the throne. She delivers a few bits about how Guinevere's a whore (she was Lancelot's lady, then married Arthur), and you know what? She actually sounds righteously upset about how this woman treated her brother. Yeah, I get it. Be a strong, independent woman who ensorcels three dragons to take the throne.

Maybe not.

Similarly, the actor who plays Merlin does it with enough conviction that his arc of rediscovering his magic is almost compelling. It doesn't quite work because the movie seems to forget about him for most of it and when he does it's mostly him just shouting at someone off-camera...but then it turns into a low-rent light show. You know, the usual.

Your fire! Use your fire!

The Expected
There's your usual "Dragon attacks the heroes and decides not to actually try and kill them" scenes that populate work by mediocre writers. Why have a dragon attack if its only going to paw ineffectually at your characters before flying off?

This sort of plot-stupidity extends to Le Fay as well (because of course it does). You have your enemies tied up to a pyre and are capable of setting it on fire with your magic at any time. A bunch of spells, maybe those fireballs you were conjuring, you know...nah, she just lets them show up and doesn't really do anything.

The Rest
Yeah, there's nothing else.

The Verdict
While I can give it an A for effort (they made a movie, at least), but it's not bad enough to really laugh at and there's not enough to save it from wasting away in your streaming queue.